Aizen x Bananas
by Punishment Prez
Summary: Do you know what Sosuke likes to do with Bananas? It's not what you think it's not! Aizen wants to start off the day before his self-proclamied: Healthy Heart Week, with something very interesting... Bananas! May be a one-shot.*Suggestive Themes*


Aizen x Bananas

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

One very uncharacteristic day in Hueco Mundo…

Sosuke Aizen decided to hold an emergency conference for all of his Espada members. All of the Numbahs (please deal with the author's fits for ridiculous nicknames) sighed as they took their assigned seats because whenever Aizen hosted a meeting nowadays, nothing good ever came from it.

"Good, now that all of you have been seated—who the hell just threw that paper ball?"

The moment Ai (that's his nickname because the author is too lazy to spell) had turned around to where a projector was set up at the front of the room; his super sense had caught one of his "kids" throwing around something.

Grimmjow immediately pointed at Ulquiorria and it was painfully obvious that the other man was innocent. Ai (by some freaky reasoning) used some telekinetic powers to lift the note over to himself and read it out loud.

"_I h8 tee time so bad; I wish tee would dye so BADLY. Oh jyeah, like, I wanna eat me some bacon at breakfast every kno and agan_

—Grimmjow, go stand in the corner until I say so!" The horrible mistakes in the note lead Ai to realize Grimmy was the culprit.

Said chicken-scratch writer got up from his seat, smacked his teeth and went to stand in a corner adjacent to his seat. "Anyways, I have something to discuss with you all. Starting this Monday, it's Healthy Heart Week, and I want all of you to participate!"

Szayel raised his hand precariously. Ai pointed at him meaning, that he can ask his question.

"Umm, but we don't have hearts anymore… So Yeah…"

"Is that all you have to say Number Eight?" He gave The Best Scientist Ever a stare that could've meant: How dare you?/I'll RAEP U!/ or I LIEK tea plz 3. But because Szayel thought it was the I LIEK tea option, he answered: "No."

"Then continue."

"So what is the point of having a Healthy Heart Week?"

"Because, it's a good opportunity to keep my favorite Arrancar in top shape."

"But—"

"Anyways," Ai interrupted Numbah Eight. "I want all of you to take this week a time to be in touch with learning the basics of taking care of not just your heart," He made a dramatic gesture with both of his arms. "But your entire _body_…"

_*cricket chirp**massive eye twitches*_

"Grimmjow, please return to your seat." The man with wild blue hair seemed as though he was actually having fun in the corner, because he frowned once he went to sit back down. "Rico hit the lights for me please," Aizen commanded in a serious tone.

_{Rico is an average height, young Columbian with very cool hair. He works in a lot of anime places and stuff, so if you need him, just give me a call at 954-5883938 and I'll get you the hook up.}_

Anyways, Rico took his prized metal bat, and (he always does this) he politely smashed in the light switch that was near the door. "GODDAMMIT RICO NOT AGAIN!" Gin yelled because he did _*not*_ want to hear about this later on from Ai or Kaname (he complains a lot too).

But the lights did cut off, and Sosuke (who seemed unfazed about the smashed light switch) turned on the projector. You could tell it was one of those corny, old time film-players that was made in the late '50s; despite that, the thing actually started to play something…

"Hiya friends! My name is Naner the Banana and I will be your guide in Smart Choices!"

All of the Espada, Gen, Kaname, and even Rico stood there shocked. Dear God, there was a banana on screen breaking the fourth wall. But that wasn't the end of it.

Naner the Banana went on to introduce the entire food pyramid, and why yes my child, they all had equally corny names (the author didn't waste time to come up with any either). At the end, the overly used villain cliché: Sinister Sugar was defeated by that banana character, and he turned into a good 'person' when he was eaten in controlled amounts.

Moral of the story: Carnivorism is okay as long as you are using protection.

(…. My point exactly…..)

The End. :3

At least everyone thought it was when Gen magically fixed the light switch.

"Ahhh," Ai sighed liked a lovelorn… boyfriend/girlfriend? The last character on the screen was Naner… But Aizen seemed to have been interrupted from his daydream at the sound of Grimmjow snoring LOUDLY."Oh. Yeah, since all of you have been through training, starting tomorrow, I will be checking in on _**ALL**_ of you to see if you are doing… healthy things. Understood?"The wasn't any room for arguemen anyways…

Everyone in the room answered a reply (sort of) and the meeting was adjourned.

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

"_**WE ARE SO F^CKED!"**_

Grimmjow said once the group of Espada was outside of Aizen's mansion. "For once, I agree with you," Ulquiorria responded in his monotone voice. "But there really isn't anything we can do… Is there?" Some of the other Espada were surprised because they never heard Numbah Four speak so much.

Halibel (she is now officially renamed Halle Berry) scratched at her blonde hair. "I don't know what the hell y'all gonna do; I betcha I'm still gonna eat my fried chicken!" Spoon-head Nnoitra walked up and gave her a hi-five!"Amen sistah!"

Lucky Numbah Seven nodded and told everyone how badly he wanted biscuits. "I agree-gree! I haven't had a nice big sausage in a loooong…" Szayel trailed off about his lack of meat when Grimmjow put a hand on his shoulder.

"No Numbah…. Just stop while you're ahead… Don't come out of that transparent closet yet a'right?" Said Numbah nodded with uncertanity, most-likely because he didn't get the 'closet' part.

The congregation grumbled a bit more until they parted ways to their respective castles. All of them hoped by some random act of Arrancar that Monday will never come again.

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

_Meanwhile, back at Aizen's place…_

_**PEEL BANANAS, PEEL PEEL BANANAS**_

"Uhhh, Aizen?"

_**EAT BANANAS, EAT EAT BANANAS!**_

"Hello, Sosuke?"

_**GO BANANAS, GO GO BANANAS!**_

"Goddammit, what the hell is that insufferable song Aizen?"

Kaname Tōsen stood near the entrance of Sosuke's room; for there was no way in hell he was going to walk in there while loud, weird music was being played (he shuddered at what happened to him the last time he did). He was just a bit concerned about the noises that were coming from his room… not that there wasn't _always _something weird going on in there; it is, but the man wanted to know even if he was blind (well, he was _sometimes _blind).

"Yes, what is it?" It was never good for anyone when Ai talked in that: **"I-R-feelin'-Smexy"** voice. "I was wondering what… Never mind." Kaname had chosen that moment to be un-blind (I can't believe that's a word) and regretted it very soon after.

"Oh non non, what were you saying? I couldn't hear you…" Aizen turned down his computer speakers to listen to better. Kaname was about to ask him about the computer, when Gin walked up to the room. "Hey Sosuke, I got that Arrancar package for you- **OMG!"** Ichimaru was truly horrified at the sight of Ai in some ridiculously tight yellow spandex. Kill Bill probably died in her sleep somewhere, most likely.

"I didn't know you'd like my outfit so much guys~! I luv you two 3~!"

Gin and Kaname both shared a look that was secret code for : _**Let's GTFO!**_ And they immediately turned around to dash off. Ai mistook this 'Run Like Hell' for a game of hide and seek.

"I'll count to twenty okay~! Ichi, ni, san…"

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

"**RUN LIKE** _HELL!_" Kaname hollered while totally forgetting about using his flash step alongside Gin. "**I LUV THAT** _GAME!__"_ Ichimaru yelled back at him down a long corridor that leads to an exit with Arrancars. There were some weird items that littered the floor as they neared their only exit, and at the same time…

Both of them made the mistake and slipped on a yellow banana peel.

"What…" Gin said as his body flew about five meters into the air.

"…The hell…?" Kaname finished for him as they landed to the ground in slo-mo.

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

_Ten minutes later…_

"_Found you."_

"**GAHHCK!"** Gin yelled in surprised as a hand patted him on the cheek, making him jump awake… except that Aizen was sitting on him, so he couldn't _*jump* _per se, but you get the idea. Once Sosuke saw the white-haired man was awake, he did the same to Kaname, who had a similar reaction one has when you wake up to a middle-aged man on top of you.

"How come you two never told me how much you like bananers?"

"What are 'bananers'?" Tōsen asked a little confused. Gen motioned weakly to a peel they both had slipped on at the same time. "Do you honestly believe that we ate all of these 'naner thingies?" Aizen looked confused at the question. "Well, yeah. I luv bananers! I have some more if you want."

Ai then stood to his feet and once again, Gin and Kaname were horrified to see a massive bulge in the other man's highlighter spandex; the color of which could whoop the Sun's a$$ any day in summer.

"Well, it was nice knowin' ya Ichimaru…"

"Yeah… you too Kaname, even if you have a female name..." Then they both crawled over to each other, and began to cry in each other's arms.

Amazingly, Sosuke was wearing a two piece and not a one piece, and when he drove his hands inside of his tights to whip out a certain doom… nothing happened.

"Are we dead yet…?" Ichimaru asked to no one in particular.

Aizen stood there looking at the two men as though they had told him that Spam is, in fact, created by Rainbow Vampire Bill© on Cloud Nine. In his hand were two bananas, which presumable had been retrieved from out of the sunny spandex.

It was a very rare moment in time, but Sosuke genuinely looked worried for them, as though they hadn't taken their Happy Place Pills . Assuming that they didn't want any of the banana, he began to eat it in a fashion that probably shouldn't been legal to describe (because porn stars around the world will, with a 100% certainty, lose all business).

As he threw the second banana onto the floor and went to strut to his room, all he said was:

"I'm going to finish preparing for the activities for tomorrow. You two homolusties can stay here and have sex or whatnot; just clean up this mess. See ya!" He started off singing Banana Phone as he pranced in his tights, and then switched to Bananas by Gwen Stefani.

But that wasn't what truly left the two men stunned.

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

"Kaname?"

"Yeah Ichimaru?"

"When Aizen was eating that banana… did he have a third one down in his spandex?"

"….."

"Kaname..?" The black man who was the owner of that name just threw the banana peels that littered that hallway in the trash faster than before.

"**N- No comment!"** Kaname continued to work even faster.

_The week coming up is going to be a long one indeed….._

_Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X! Ba~na~na~X!_

End ~3


End file.
